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Mom: See's stories about the killer doll Also Mom: We'll keep the doll

Movie stream first cows. Movie Stream First cowcotland. Movie Stream First cowblog. Movie stream first cowboys. First cow & read m"ore When "First Cow" First Cow movie watch for free Watch First Cow movie vidzi Download First Cow Dailymotion... Movie Stream first contact. Movie Stream First cow parade. Where is my man on fire A24. Movie Stream first coffee. Movie Stream First cowboy. Didnt realize A24 was directing Kendrick Lamar music videos now. The rest of the series can be found here “Jon-Jon! Oh I was sooo worried about you! ” A stocky Polynesian woman with a streak of gray in her hair cried as she threw herself on him kissing him repeatedly on the head. The nurse who escorted her smiled and left, closing the door. “Jon-Jon? ” Jon asked with a laugh. “I’m one of your lovers darling! I rushed here all the way from Nakamura when I heard you got a little boo-boo! ” she exclaimed as she laid another big kiss on his face. “Damn, it’s good to see you again Jon, ” she said with a toothy smile. “Same here, Oliana. How have you been? ” “Doing great! I signed on with Greyweather Consulting and business has been good! ” “Still can’t believe you went and became a merc, ” Jon said shaking his head. “What about all that talk of settling down and becoming a real nurse? ” “Yeah… I tried that. f*ck that noise! I lasted all of four months before I had to walk. So much bullsh*t! Couldn’t do anything without asking some asshole for permission. With Greyweather I can actually do sh*t, actually save lives instead of standing in front of a computer screen with my thumb up my ass. ” “Well I for one am very happy the nasty rumors I heard about you were true, ” Jon smiled. “So, you got it? ” “Of course sweetie, ” Oliana said as she opened the huge box of chocolates tucked under her arm and lifted off the top tray revealing a med-scanner, vials of an evil looking green liquid, some syringes, and other devices. “And I got you the good stuff. It even isn’t expired yet! ” “Is that greenweaver? ” Jon asked in surprise. “That’s restricted... ” “Well you said you were in a hurry, darling, and this is hurry in a bottle. Roll over and let me peek at that cute backside of yours. ” With a pained grunt Jon rolled over on his side. Oliana pulled out the scanner and carefully surveyed the damage. “Tsk… Civilians... ” She said. “What? Did they screw something up? ” Jon asked in alarm. “Nah, it’s fine, perfectly textbook for a civilian surgeon. They let the goddamn bots do the work. Perfectly safe, lazy, and exactly why your ass was going to be laying here for quite awhile. Don’t get me started… Yup. We can work with this, ” she said as she pulled a thin plastic pad from the chocolate box and carefully slid it underneath his vitals monitor. “There, now they will be none the wiser, ” she said with a smile. “Your real vitals are about to do some freaky sh*t. ” “Oh I’m down with the freaky sh*t. ” “Not like this you aren’t, ” she laughed as she pulled up his gown and drew a measure of the green liquid into the first syringe. “Ever had this stuff in your spine before? ” “Nope. ” “It might sting a little. Seriously. This is going to hurt. ” “Do I need something to bite on? ” “Won’t help, ” Oliana said as she pulled out some combat auto-injectors “sh*t. Are you going to heal me or shoot me? ” “They will prevent you from going into shock. Yeah, it’s going to be that bad, Jon. You sure you want to do this? ” Jon just smiled at her as he reached for the first auto-injector... “You’re tough. I’ll give you that, ” Oliana said about an hour later. “That’s all we can do for now. We wait for two hours and then we start the second course. ” “Can’t wait, ” Jon said grimly looking quite pale and haggard. There was a beeping noise. “What’s that? ” Jon asked with a little concern. “My lookout just picked up a nurse saying that she was going to check on you, ” Oliana said as she covered up the box. “She thinks you’re cute by the way. ” The door opened and the nurse walked in. “It’s time for your morning meds, ” she said with a big smile and then paused. “Are you feeling ok? ” “Oh yeah, just fine, ” Jon said with a pleasant even smile. “Just got a rather unpleasant e-mail, that’s all. Sorry, can’t talk about it. Classified. I don’t mean to be short but I really need to get back to it, ” he said weakly raising up his tablet. Everything doesn’t look fine, she thought as she pulled up his vitals on her work tablet. Everything was well within normal ranges though. That must have been one hell of an e-mail. “Ok, here, ” the nurse said handing him a little polymer cup and a glass of water. It took all the willpower he had to move his arms but he took them with a smile. “Appreciate it, ” Jon said forcing another smile. When Oliana said it was going to hurt she wasn’t f*cking kidding. As soon as the nurse left Jon just sagged into the bed. “How long is this hell going to last? ” “No more than a couple of days… tops. ” “Are you f*cking with me right now? ” “I really wish I was. ” Timing her work around visits from an entirely overly inquisitive nurse, damn her good instincts, Oliana finally finished up the third and final series. “There. You still with me Jon? ” “Define ‘with you’? ” he laughed weakly. “Now what? ” “Now you suffer for awhile, ” she said as she pulled out a tablet and carefully examined his real, actual vital signs. “Lovely. ” “I’m going to hang out for a bit to see how these first few hours go but then I have to bail. I would rather not go to prison. I would for you in a heartbeat, honey, but not if I can avoid it. ” “No. Don’t risk yourself over this. Go now. ” “Not until I see how this is going to turn out. These civilian twerps don’t know about this sh*t and if anything goes wrong they are going to need me. Don’t worry your pretty little butt, ” she said giving it a little pat. “Everything goes well and I will be able to get away long before they figure out what I did. ” “I feel like a sh*t not asking this until now, ” Jon said as he clenched his teeth, “but how are you going to get away? ” “Sweetie, I’m with f*cking Greyweather. Just give us a good half hour before you peel off that sensor and I’ll be halfway to a waiting ship and when they pull up their security feeds it will be like I was never even here. ” she said with a smile. “Nice, ” Jon said as he convulsed. Oliana jumped up with her scanner. “sh*t. Don’t scare me like that! ” She exclaimed. “Don’t scare you?!? What the f*ck was that?!? ” “Just some nerves coming back online. No biggie. ” “If that’s no biggie, what’s a biggie like. ” “Let’s just hope you don’t find out. ” “Jon, that’s the last injector I can give you, ” Oliana said gravely about two hours later. “It’s about to really get rough. ” “Oh... that doesn’t sound good. ” Jon mumbled. “On the bright side, ” she said stroking his face, “It looks like everything took. They should be able to take it from here or at least have time to call someone. ” “You’re... gonna split? ” “Yeah, all they have to do now is monitor you and give you real neural stabilizers and maybe a pain blocker or two. They might try to tell you that you need to go into a medical coma but that’s bullsh*t. ” “I’ll… bear that… in mind... ” “Try to give me at least a few minutes before you separate that sensor from that little pad, ” she said as she kissed his forehead. “But if you feel like you are going to pass out, be sure yank the f*cker off before you do. I might not look like it but I can still haul ass… or take down a security guard if I have to. ” “All this affection is… completely inappropriate…” “Not anymore it isn’t, ” she said as she planted a big kiss on his lips. “Whatever it is you are about to do, kick some ass. ” “… intend to... ” he said with a smile. “Now go. You will… get that half… hour... ” “If you need me, you know where to find me, ” she said as she got to her feet. “And remember, Greyweather Consulting is the Republic’s premier provider of private strategic, tactical, security, and intelligence services. ‘If you want to cry havoc, call Greyweather. ’… And we are all loyal to the Republic for what it’s worth. Don’t know what you are neck deep in but keep us in mind. ” With that she blew him a kiss and walked out the door. About half an hour later the nurse on duty walked in. “It seems like your sensor fell off. Oh, there it is, ” she said as she picked the sensor out of the sheet and pressed it to his skin. Her tablet started beeping immediately. She looked down at it in shock. “That can’t be right... She trotted out of the room and quickly returned with a full medical scanner in her hands. “What? This can’t be…” She looked down at her scanner and then back up at Jon. He should be screaming in agony. Why is he just smiling at me? she thought and then she recalled the conversations between him and the doctor and put two and two together. Accelerators! “What did you do? What did she give you? ” she demanded. “What... do you think? ” Jon mumbled with a grin. She turned red in the face and screamed “ IDIOT!!! ” at him and sprinted out of the room. About fifteen minutes later the door opened and an old kalesh with a white robe draped around him walked in. “Ok, you crazy bastard, ” he said wiggling his eyestalks, “What are you on? What did she give you? ” “ Greenweaver. ” “Holy sh*t. That stuff actually exists? ” the old kalesh said as he pulled out a scanner and gently rolled Jon over on his side. ” “Ow. ” “I can imagine, ” the old doctor said as he looked at he scans. “f*ck, right into the spine too. How the are you even conscious? Hell, why didn’t you go into shock? ” Jon just smiled and reached under his pillow retrieving a handful of combat auto-injectors. “You crazy stupid f*cker! Well, I guess it isn’t crazy if it worked, huh? ” He rolled Jon back over. “Oh, I’m Doctor Balken, formerly Major Balken by the way, Republic Army, and I’m going to be taking over your case. So, you have a gallon of greenweaver in your back and more injectors in your blood stream than I’ve ever seen before, ” he wiggled his eyestalks, “This is going to be fun! ” He looked at his scanner again. “Now I have a couple of questions for ya, ” the doctor said, “This sort of black-magic voodoo was nothing but a wet dream back when I was in the service. Hell, it’s still nothing but a wet dream for most of us. Considering your… creative method in obtaining it I take it you want to keep this quiet or can I just call in the experts and be done with it? ” “.. ” “Figured. Ok, next question. Is there a very and I mean very good reason for what you are doing? ” “yes… critical… Republic... ” “Good enough for me, ” He said with an eye wiggle. “Ok, ambassador, let’s do this. I’ll do some quick research and make a few discreet phone calls but it looks like what you really need is a top-shelf neural stabilizer and probably something for what I can only assume are truly biblical levels of pain. You also have a brain-curdlingly high temperature but I don’t want to screw with anything metabolism related until I actually know more about whatever the hell I’m dealing with here. We will just have to go old school, very old school. We will get started with that and the we’ll do… something… about all that combat gunk in your bloodstream. ” He wiggled his eyestalks. “Now I will leave you to your well deserved suffering, ” He laughed as he left. Moments later he heard the head nurse exclaim “Ice?!? ” from down the hall. Back on the White Star Helena had finally gotten around to talking to the passengers. She was quite relieved to see how well they were being treated. “So are you one of them, too? ” Rupert Glent asked Helena eyeing Roberts nervously. “Me, nah, ” Helena replied. “I’m just a reporter that sweet talked herself into one hell of an exclusive. I had absolutely no idea the cute guy I picked up at the bar was a f*cking pirate, ” she said as she poked Roberts playfully. “My ability to pick ‘em remains as f*cked as ever. ” Rupert’s wife gave her a dirty look. “Please watch your language, ” she said icily. “There are children here. ” “Oh sh*t, ” Helena replied. “Sorry. ” She couldn’t see Roberts snickering behind her. “So, how have you been treated? ” Helena asked them as she switched on her camera. “Just awful! ” Rupert’s wife exclaimed. “We have to sleep on these rags and they just feed us cheap cereal and junk food! ” Rupert just winced. “Ms. Helena, I think it would be far more interesting for your readers if-” “Oh that sounds awful! ” Helena gushed zooming in on his wife. “Imagine! Making you have to sleep on just a simple mattress with nothing but blankets and pillows… those animals! ” “And that isn’t the worst part! ” she moaned. “All we get to drink is water, cheap sodas, and that awful synth-milk! My poor children! ” “Jesus... ” Helena said in a shocked voice managing to keep a straight face. “And the bread… It wasn’t fresh! It was at least a day or two old and I don’t know what ‘baloney’ is or what it’s made from is but it is simply-” “It’s made of lips and assholes. ” Helena said artfully angling the camera to accentuate the woman’s expressions. “Actually it’s all the parts of left over… whatever animal they got their hands on that week ground up into a pink paste and squeezed into a plastic tube. ” “Oh God! ” “Um, darling... ” Rupert said giving Helena an evil glance. “And that so called ‘cheese’… It is horrific! Each slice is wrapped in… wrapped in plastic! ” she wailed. “I had to feed my children that! ” “And did you like it? ” Helena asked panning over to the kids. “Oh yes! ” Rupert’s daughter exclaimed. “Baloney and cheese is awesome! ” Helena grinned at the kid. If she was anymore photogenic the camera would burst into flames. “It is clear that you have truly suffered, ” Helena said with big sympathetic eyes as she turned the camera back to Rupert’s wife. “It’s important that I document everything so the Federation, no, the entire galaxy knows what sort of savages these people are. What… what else have you had to endure? ” As his wife started to reply Rupert lunged forward putting himself between the camera and his lovely wife. “So, Helena was it? ” Rupert asked, “Do you have any idea what they are going to do to us? ” “I’m not sure to be perfectly honest, ” Helena replied glancing uncertainly over at Roberts. “But I’ve kinda gotten to know their boss and she said you would survive this if you behaved. She seems to be the kind of woman who keeps her word… Right? ” she asked looking over at Roberts. “Right, ” he replied. “If we were going to kill you we would have done it right off and not bothered with having to guard you and feed you cheap cold cuts and cereal, ” he smiled. “Current plan is that we get you off this ship and back to civilization ass intact. ” “Well, that’s a relief. ” Rupert replied although he knew that if they were going to massacre them this guy certainly wouldn’t tell him about it. “So, Rupert, ” Helena said with a wicked smile as she made sure to frame his face perfectly, “what sort of money-grubbing porkie slime bullsh*t do you do when you aren’t cruising around space on a ship full of pedophiles and rapists? ” Helena asked focusing the camera on him. “Hey! I had no idea about that! I just knew the White Star was the best and I just wanted to take my family on a wonderful vacation, that’s all! All I knew was that this thing was supposed to be fantastic and that we were going to get to see a neutron star up close! I had no idea something like… like that was going on! ” “Lucky for you neither did we, ” Roberts said with a cruel smile. “Because if we had our tactics might have been a little different, like you not having to endure bologna, fake cheese and Comet Soda different. ” Rupert flinched. Looking into Roberts’ eyes he had no doubt that he was telling the God’s honest truth. “I only found out about it once our plan was already set and it was too late to make any 'adjustments', ” Paul continued, “If we did know about it before hand, there would have definitely been 'adjustments'. Count on it. Be sure to let Axion Lines know how much you appreciate them almost making your family’s vacation especially ‘memorable’. ” “I intend to, ” Rupert said with a snarl. “Trust me. I f*cking intend to. ” “Darling! Language! ” his wife exclaimed holding her hands over her daughters ears. “He said ‘f*ck’ mommy! ” she giggled. “What does ‘f*ck’ mean? ” she asked just giggling her ass off. “Stop it! It’s a bad word! Don’t ever say it! ” “But daddy just did! ” the child exclaimed looking at everybody with triumphant wicked eyes. “Your mommy, daddy and everybody else in this f*cking room are very f*cking lucky you are so f*cking adorable, ” Roberts said as he knelt down to face the girl. “And the word ‘f*ck’ is a great word! All us pirates use it! ” he said with a big friendly smile. “f*ck! ” the girl exclaimed. “There you go! Now you sound just like a pirate! ” Roberts laughed. “You have a lovely child, ” he said to Rupert. “Try not to oink at her too much. It would be a real shame if she grew up to be like her... Wait… hang on... ” Roberts said as he cupped his earpiece. “Got it. We’re on our way! ” He replied to the air. “Helena we gotta cut this short. The guys just found something unbelievable! ” “Wait! ” Rupert’s wife called out. “Could you please talk to that leader of yours about what they are feeding us? ” “Heh… sure. ” Roberts grinned. “Paul, no. ” Helena said playfully punching his arm. “Killjoy, ” Roberts replied with a laugh. “So kid, ” Roberts said to the little girl. “What’s your favorite cereal? ” “Bunny Crunch! ” “Got it. I’ll put the word out that you get the Bunny Crunch, ” he said to her as her mother looked on in horror. “Bunny Crunch is awesome! ” Helena replied. “You just gotta try it on ice cream! ” The girl looked up at Helena with wide eyes. Her mind had just officially been blown. As they were heading to the bank Jessie came scampering up at a full sprint with a huge scientific scanner in her grip. “(gasp) I just got relieved by T (gasp)! Can you f*cking (gasp) believe it? ” “No. It’s-… and she’s gone, ” Roberts replied to the back of Jessie as she tore off again. Roberts just smiled and shook his head. “What did they find? ” Helena asked excitedly. “We aren’t entirely sure yet, ” Roberts replied calmly. “But if we’re right… Well it’s probably best if you just see it. It’s amazing! ” Everyone was just silently gathered inside a cluttered storage chamber looking down at something. They were all packed so tightly Helena couldn’t see. “Well? ” Shelia asked excitedly. “Give me a minute, geez! ” Jessie said as she wrestled with an almost comically oversized scanner. Helena finally managed to wiggle around them camera in hand only to find them all huddled around some boxes filled with rows of little vials filled with a white liquid. “It’s confirmed! sem*n! ” Jessie almost screamed. “Perfectly chemically stabilized! I bet you could do in vitro straight out of the tube! ” “It’s… cum... ” Helena said in a less than enthusiastic manner. “Yeah, just look at it! ” Shelia said excitedly. “Rows and rows of the money shot! ” “Cum… You drug me all the way over here for cum... ” “Do we have an id? ” Gloria asked sounding like an actual human being and an excited one at that. “Cum. You guys are excited about cum... ” “Working on it, ” Jessie chirped. “So, Bunny, what is it? ” “While you have saved an amazing amount of data concerning ejacul*te, ” Bunny replied. “None of the images or movies capture it in sufficient detail for me to make any scientific comparison. ” “(sigh) The archive, Bunny! What do we have in the archive? ” “Surprisingly enough, ” Bunny snarked, “we don’t have a whole lot in the way of sem*n related information. We dived deep but not that deep. (Thank God. )” “Well you have to have genetic profiles of sh*t on file, ” Shelia said. “Cum… You made me sprint across the ship for some cum... ” Helena muttered. “I had the queen of the porkies in my f*cking sights and I let her go over cum... ” Nobody was paying her any attention, not even Roberts. “Son of a bitch! ” Eno shouted from further inside as he pulled out a glass covered frame. “Look! ” he held as he held aloft a collection of butterflies. “And there’s more! Oh Mother of God! … Are these… bees? ” “Cum and dead bugs… of course…" Helena grumbled. "We have works from Leonardo da motherf*ckcing Vinci in the hold and nobody blinks an eye. A vault full of ji*zz and dead bugs and they lose their f*cking minds... ” “Well can you scan the DNA or not, goddammit? ” Shelia shouted at Jessie’s tablet. “Yes and no, ” Bunny replied. “With that stupid scanner that Jessie insisted on dragging along we can definitely image the DNA and I’m going through everything we have but so far I haven’t found much on genetic sequences of various species. It’s not what we usually go for, you know. ” “In all of those petabytes you don’t have a goddamn thing? Bullsh*t. ” Shelia said impatiently. “We have a lot of petabytes and I mean a lot of them, ” Bunny replied. “It’s going to take awhile. ” “Cum… Seriously? ” Helena muttered to nobody in particular. “You’re in a f*cking quantum supercomputer now. How long can it possibly take? ” Shelia responded. “Oh just the read times of the same old drives we always had. Jessie didn’t think it was important to migrate all that ‘old archival sh*t’. ” “Hey! Don’t blame this on me! ” Jessie laughed. “Who else is there to blame? ” Bunny responded. “I’m just a f*cking machine. I don’t do anything unless I’m told to. ” “You don’t do anything unless you are told to!?! Oh that is a steaming pants-load and you know it! ” Jessie excliamed as she gripped her tablet in both hands and stared straight into the camera. “Hey! ” Shelia barked snapping her fingers. “Focus you two! Can we do it and how long will it take? ” “Yes we can and I have absolutely no idea how long it will take, ” Bunny replied. “Ditto, ” Jessie chirped. “No f*cking clue. We may have to wait until we are back in the Republic and hit the networks. I’m not sure if we have a lot of genetic stuff. ” “You have absolutely everything else! How can you not have… Whatever. Bunny, start digging. Jessie start scanning. I want to get these back in the cases and out of the light ASAP. ” “Cum… Honestly? ” “My God! ” Jessie bubbled happily as she opened another box. “Look at all these vials! There’s so much! ” “Ok! What is the deal with the f*cking cum? ” Helena demanded raising her voice. Everybody stopped and just looked at her as if she had lost her mind. “Don’t you realize what this is? ” Roberts said excitedly. “Splooge? ” “I almost forgot you were a porkie there for a moment, ” Shelia replied. “Makes sense that you might not immediately get it. ” “So… Terrans love cum. ” she turned the camera to face herself. “You heard it here first, gentle viewers. “This is one of the things we prize more than anything. ” Roberts said almost in awe. “Note to self. Never kiss you again. ” “This is biodiversity! Terra took a beating and what the ash and frost didn’t kill we finished off ourselves, ” Roberts replied. “A lot of species went entirely extinct either from starvation or from simply being hunted to extinction. That hamburger you like? Cows didn’t make it. They went completely extinct. They were re-created from genes that we managed to salvage somewhere and a lot of them are damn near clones, or actual clones, of each other. We have managed to find more than one sample, of course, but nothing compared to the diversity before they went extinct. The number of different varieties of even the humble cow was staggering! The same goes for damn near any other animal you can name. This could be completely new genetic source material either for an animal we already recreated or maybe even a lost species! Helena, ” Roberts said looking deep into her eyes, “This is huge! ” he exclaimed as he hugged her. “So while the fire and ash was falling someone ran around jerking off their cows? ” “The right term is bull and no, they likely didn’t. ” Greg laughed. “It was a common practice if there was an exceptional animal, a ‘prize’ cow, or horse, or whatever to collect its sem*n to sell to other breeders so they could impregnate their females with it. This is likely what this stuff is! ” “Weird. ” “The only thing that’s ‘weird’ is that it is just sitting here gathering dust! ” Shelia exclaimed. “Look at all the beetles! ” Eno yelled from across the room while holding up another box of specimens. “We have beans and grain over here! ” Jacob yelled. “Holy sh*t! Look! ” He hollered as he held up a handful of garden seed packets. “We find f*cking lost masterpieces in here and this is what you are surprised to find? ” “Well, yeah! ” Shelia said with a laugh. “This stuff… Jesus… You can quickly sell it for a f*cking fortune which is exactly what we are going to do, ” she said with glee. "The big bio firms will get into a bidding war over damn near anything. There are people who make a very good living ‘prospecting’ for just scraps of genes out in the wasteland. If this stuff is what I think it is, intact premium livestock goo, we can get an auction set up in just days and the take will be unbelievable. There is absolutely no reason for it to just be sitting here. Even a porkie would have no problem moving this. The bio giants would come to them! If any of those seeds are a new variety or lost species they are worth a fortune even by our standards, ” Shelia said spinning around happily. “If nothing else it’s just neat as hell! This is better than anything we could have hoped for! Those paintings are just pretty. This stuff? This stuff is useful! ” “Yeah, it is weird that it’s just sitting here, ” Jessie chirped as she was kneeling down among the cases of sem*n. “Bunny, can we find out who was the generous soul who just gave us this wonderful gift? ” “The encryption is pretty standard. Give me a minute... ” Bunny replied as Jessie was gleefully scanning vial after vial. “A hundred bottles of ji*zz on the wall… A hundred bottles of ji*zz! ” Jessie started singing as she scanned away. “Jessie I am fully prepared to hurt you, ” Shelia laughed. Jessie clutched a vial to her chest. “Not in front of the children! ” she giggled. “Scan it! Don’t play with it! Jesus! ” Sheila exclaimed as she shook her head. “Oh you are going to f*cking love this, ” Bunny said as documents started to pop up on Jessie’s tablet. “Well, now there’s a reason, ” Jessie laughed. “Anyone here recognize the name Jayce Mortisen? ” “Who? ” Roberts asked. “He’s a brilliant scientist! An actual real f*cking genius! ” Helena gushed. “He has built a f*cking empire on what he has created, not what he raided, or swindled, or stole, created! He just whipped up some of the most important crops we grow over here, no research team, no budget, nothing. He just sat down at his computer and just with just the power of his mind he… he… f*ck. ” Shelia and the crew started laughing. “Goddammit! ” Helena yelled. “I admired that asshole! I even have one of his bullsh*t quotes hanging over my f*cking desk! I can’t believe this! ” “Which quote was it, ” Jessie giggled. “Was it the one with the angels, or the one with the doves? ” she snickered as she held up an image of an inspirational poster as everyone howled with laughter. “If you must f*cking know it’s a cross-stitch I made when I was fifteen! ” Helena said gritting her teeth. The guys started roaring, Shelia was literally crying with laughter and Jessie was giggling so hard she was gasping for breath. “Yeah, laugh it up! ” Helena yelled. “f*cking laugh it up! I bought it! I bought the whole line, him fleeing from Earth with only the clothes on his back and the desire to build a better future for the whole human race, the whole ‘pull yourself and your people up by your bootstraps’ bullsh*t, the power of inspiration and creativity, all of it! Gah!!! ” she ranted. “Did you know we awarded him the Humanity Award? That’s like one of our greatest honors! He was even given the f*cking Federation Spiral! … Oh I’m going to f*cking bury him! ” she yelled. “Jessie! Can you get me proof, like something even a greased porkie can’t wiggle out of kind of proof? ” “Hey, you’re the reporter. You figure it out, ” Jessie laughed. “No but seriously we’ll get you what we can. Pulling down a beloved porkie icon sounds fun! ” “Um… guys? ” Jacob yelled as he opened another footlocker and pulled out a nearly empty bottle of seeds. “These samples have Cyrillic labeling... ” “Oh, do they now? ” Shelia said, her eyes flashing. “Helena, my dear, ” she said as she gave Helena a look that made her blood run cold, “We are going to be finding out all about this guy. I personally guarantee it. ”.

This is an incredible movie that depicts poverty and childhood - an unrepresented population in America. It delves into the bitter truth of living in a culture of systemic exploitation. We see both the mom and the children in the movie learning the rules of living a life where exploitation is the cultural norm. It is a Thelma and Louise of childhood. Going back a bit farther, it is akin to Mother Courage and Her Children - a play by Bertolt Brecht which depicts life as a mother trying to survive in a decades long European war. "Q: There are so many self-care practices for dealing with stress. What does Buddhism teach about overcoming stress and staying healthy? " Q, why must you insist upon doing that thing where you begin the discussion by needlessly generalizing about a broader topic of discussion that you already know will have nothing to do with the answer, because it's only a matter of time before our friend "A" invites over his friends C, U, L and T. It's obvious you're only doing it to make this whole wretched affair sound a little bit smarter, a bit more worldly, and to blithely suggest that this segment might ever be anything other than laser-focused on the talking points of Soka doctrine. Not fair. Look, I can play that game too: "There are soooo many types of delicious cake to eat in this world! Does this mean I should join a cult? " It's a little distracting, right? And then... there's your use of the word "Buddhism" to describe this religion. I know what you're trying to say, and I know I should be used to it, given that we've been doing these columns for a year now (a year! ). But actually no, the opposite has proven to be true: The more I read of this obsessive garbage, the less I can tolerate its discrepancies. They stand out so much more clearly now than they originally did. So I wont waste any time in pointing out that the religion you are petitioning for help, Q, is not really Buddhism, but is better described as Ikedaism. You are asking Ikedaism for its point of view on how to avoid stress. You know, the fascist-themed religious organization that wants to keep people endlessly busy acting like soldiers in some imaginary war? Either way you might be barking up the wrong tree. People don't generally go to the Buddha for workout tips. I know I sure don't. It has long comforted me to know that not all religious icons rock six-pack abs. One of my favorite anecdotes from the world of real Buddhism was when one of Gautama's disciples was having trouble maintaining focus on his meditation, so he used his magical vision to see that in a previous life this person had been a cow, and he still strongly resonated with the ways of the moo. Upon seeing this, he granted his disciple permission to meditate lying down, like a total lazy-ass (score! ), and suddenly his inner potential was unleashed, and he reached all-star levels of meditative whatever metrics such things are measured. I like this anecdote because it involves making life simpler, and also it illustrates how the Buddha himself actually acknowledged fundamental differences between people and tailored his approach accordingly. As opposed to the cherry-peach-plum snow job offered by Nichiren as a way of telling people, "yeah you're different... now CONFORM! " So no, the Buddha was not exactly Jillian Michaels, but then again, neither was Daisaku "you might as well eat some vegetables" Ikeda. In case you've never seen a picture of him (which is understandable because he was extremely camera shy), he has been known to exist at a level of pudge suitable for a North Korean dictator. Maybe this is why he publicly fantasized about moving to America, so that one day he would not have to be the jolliest person in the room, so to speak. His advice was always more of the "stay in school and conform so ruthlessly that you don't even have time to misbehave" variety. I don't remember anything about health or fitness being said in "Discussions on Youth". And in fact, nothing about the fun parts of life at all, apart from that one reference he makes to getting drunk as being like "dancing in a dream".. sounds rather cool if you ask me. (Can confirm. Is awesome. ) Now feels like a good time to mention that the Japanese lead the world in rates of stomach cancer as a result of all the social pressure they thrust upom one another. Ikeda's own son had himself a little-bitty stomach problem, if I recall correctly. But no, by all means, coach us on how to avoid stress, mister overbearing buttoned-up workaholic father-figure businessman. And yes, pressure to feel happy all the time, or think only positive thoughts, or do only the "right things" even when you don't really want to, is still a very real and unhealthy form of pressure. But regardless of what you think of either philosophy -- Buddhism v. Ikedaism, that is -- I hope you can at least accept that the kinds of answers you are going to get from the guy under the bodhi tree will be very different from the ones offered by the man seen in the videos addressing his army of identically-dressed flunkies. If not, we have a much more fundamental problem on our hands -- the problem being that you are somehow lying to yourself, because the differences in tone could not be more apparent. If you're looking to live your best life here, Q, a little honesty might be a great place to start. It might be useful to start calling a spade a spade: Pressure is pressure; the fat man is fat; a cult is a cult, and things which defy Buddhist principles have no right to call themselves Buddhist. Maybe the case could be made that the rigid structure of the cult environment is a good fit for certain it's a lot harder to make that case when lying to oneself is the default mode of participation. Stripped of its coyness, your question may as well have been phrased as follows: "There are many programs of self-help out there; why don't you hurry up and sell me on yours, because I'm obviously in the market for something. " And sell you they will, using an amalgamation of every tired half-answer they use to answer all of the questions. But as you listen, keep one thing in mind: this organization takes consistent stance on all of life's issues, which is that the members need to do everything for themselves. Philanthropy? Charity? Take care of that on your own time. Making friends? Mixing? Nah, we're here to work. Learning a skill? Getting ahead? Seeking therapy? Doing anything at all of value? The advice is to then do it all yourself! Without even having to look, what do you think they would have to offer us on the topic of health? It should amount to amount to nothing more than... Chant, do Gongyo, stay in then get off your ass and do healthy things, you knob! What are you looking at us for? We're not your life coaches. Come up with something yourself! Tell you one thing, though: that something had better not interfere with your chanting schedule if you know what's good for you! What is it we're supposed to need this organization for, again? And meanwhile, the individual member is left to make excuses, to oneself and others, for why this state of affairs must be, and why it's completely justifiable for an organization that demands so much from its members in terms of time and energy to give back virtually nothing in terms of actual education, actual opportunity and actual support. We've all done it... "Oh, it's a good thing this organization never does any kind of outreach! It has very limited resources, and needs to stay focused on saving the world through spreading the gospel of magic mumbles! And no one is ordering us to worship the head of this cult of personality, we all simply choose to of our own accord, out of deep respect for his awesomeness! " Constantly making excuses for something that sucks is a fair sign you might be in a cult. But the good news is, we don't have to do it anymore! We can call things out for being conflicted and wrong, confusing and meaningless, dishonest and useless, or completely untrue! So let's take a peek at what promises to be some of the most generic and possibly misleading health advice you'll ever hear in your life, as we unravel the myster-ies of a certain Mister "A". A? "A:The list of stressors may seem endless... " Ohhhhhh, these troubled times in which we live!!! ".. relationships and finances to the state of our world. " So here, in addition to your actual problems, take on a bunch of imaginary ones! Now you can obsess about karma, rebirth, religious propagation, and the imperatives of an organization that does nothing for you! "However, Buddhism teaches us how to transform all our stressors into vital fuel for bringing forth our strength, wisdom and compassion to advance our lives and benefit those around us. " Really?? A secret technique for transforming stress directly into wisdom, strength and compassion? This must be a very influentual and sought-after organization for being in possession of such life-changing technology! Please, do tell me more. "While there are various ways to take care of ourselves and lead healthy lives... " Such as the one you were about to share, yes... ".. President Ikeda says that “true health is found in a positive attitude that refuses to be defeated by anything (The Wisdom for Creating Happiness and Peace, Part 2, p. 105). In addition, he lays out the following four mottoes for good health:" Mottoes? I thought you had some great life-changing secret? Can't you see how eager I am for you to take my money!? I'm beginning to think you don't have anything worth sharing... "1) Do an invigorating gongyo.He calls this the “first foundation for health and long life. ” He also says: “Sitting properly with our palms pressed together as we do gongyo and chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo is, in every sense, the most solemn and meaningful activity, in accord with the underlying principles governing the universe” (WCHP-2, 240). " First foundation? Wouldn't the "first foundation for health" be the very air that one uses to breathe that gongyo? Followed closely by water, food, sanitation, like that? Nope? It's gongyo? Okay. But what exactly is so special about sitting in a chair with your palms pressed together, mumbling words like a robot, such that it deserves the distinction of being the most solemn and meaningful activity in the universe? Could you explain this to me? "Through engaging in the daily practice of gongyo, we align and merge our lives with the fundamental rhythm of the universe. This is how we rejuvenate ourselves—body and mind—each day. " Should I even bother to ask what you mean? Namely, what is the "rhythm of the universe", how does one "align" with it, and how does doing so result in "rejuvenation"? A, do you realize how crazy you sound right now? You sound like you're very high on drugs, reeling off a bunch of disjointed ideas about the rhythm, maaan, and the principles of the universe, bro -- stuff that you aren't even going to remember saying -- and you haven't even offered to share any of those drugs with me, and it's getting a little frustrating. You invited me to this potluck, and I have gotten neither stoned nor lucky. The hell kind of host are you? From where I'm sitting, the only form of exercise you're proposing is a strict regimen of mental gymnastics aimed at elevating your favorite antisocial activity into a realm of undeserved mythic importance. I dunno man, we've all seen people who start reflexively chanting at the first sign of stress, and it doesn't seem to help them in any way imaginable. What is a person supposed to be thinking in that situation? That they're sending out waves of goodness to melt the hearts of the bad guys, like some sort of Care Bear? Seems pretty obvious that when something becomes a habit, and then that habit becomes an addiction, the addiction becomes its own source of stress. "I can't get anything done unless I start my day with at least an hour of chanting" remains one of the least healthy things I have ever heard a person say. Shouldn't one of the goals of spiritual practice be to help break addictions? Perhaps the situation can be described thusly: There's this advertisment going up all over town, right? It's for a dating app on your phone, similar to Tinder, and the ad says that our app is so good, and so effective, that it's designed to be deleted. You're going to find the love of your life so quickly you'll forget you ever met on a dating app. It's a clever ad. Whatever. Maybe I should get on it. Point is, perhaps meditation is supposed to be the same way: so good at doing what it does, that it lessens your need to even do it so much. Sounds radical, I know, where's the fun in that? But what's the alternative: using something everyday as a crutch because it lacks any real power to change the way you feel? Something to consider. Also, it'd be a real shame if people got the idea that chanting is an effective means of addressing disease, wouldn't it? Where would they possibly get that idea? You ever notice how actual supplements and technologies - regardless of how helpful they may or may not be - are held to a strict legal standard and made to carry a disclaimer about not intending to diagnose, treat or cure disease... while religious practice is basically exempt from all that? Faith healing is one of those moral grey areas in society -- despite its immense potential for exploitation, it cannot be legislated upon without infringing on personal freedom. Would we be better off living in a world where the Gohonzon conferral card carries a warning about how chanting doesn't cure disease? Some people might benefit from hearing this, no doubt, but it would also be gravely unconstitutional. So, for better or worse, people are free to pray to a piece of paper, and to make all manner of claims about what they think it can do or may have done. That's just the way it goes. What's the next motto, you fowl vowel? "2) Lead a balanced and productive lifestyle.In order to be most productive and active each day, we need to get good sleep each night. Creating this healthy daily rhythm requires wisdom and discipline. “Not getting enough sleep, ” President Ikeda says, “is like leaving a car’s engine constantly running. Eventually, it will malfunction or break down” (WCHP-2, 240). " That's it? "Get more sleep"? Some real groundbreaking sh*t there, Sensei. Who is this advice intended for anyway, people who need to be reminded to blink from time to time? I'll bet you're about to instruct us to eat when were hiungry? [Glances down at point four]. Aww, for the love of... Point three is where things get interesting anyway. Let's talk about stress, bay-bee! "3) Contribute to the welfare of others.The best remedy for relieving stress—moving and taking action. " Oh yeahhhh... Now we're talking! Everything you thought you knew about relaxation is dead wrong! All those clichés we associate with it -- bubble baths, foot rubs, sexy time, time off, Tai Chi, Chai Tea, Kenny G, a little CBD in your Hi-C... all that crap is for losers. No, what you need is a little bit of the "Japanese Prozac", otherwise known as "stop complaining and get your sorry ass back to work! ". And if that sounds harsh to you -- it is. Remember, we're calling spades spades now. Let's pay close attention to how Sensei chooses to describe the concept of stress: “Stress can be described as an attack on our spirits from outside. We need to fight back against it. If we remain still, we will be overwhelmed by its pressure, which will destroy us both physically and mentally. " Aw geez, Rick, I got stressed out just reading that! Talk about "attack on our spirits"! Does this mean I'm supposed to fight back against you now, Sensei, before you destroy me both physically and mentally with your unwanted pressure? "One effective response to stress is to meet it by stepping forward and taking action. One of the most beneficial actions we can take is to help others. Just as Nichiren Daishonin writes, “If one lights a fire for others, one will brighten one’s own way” (“On the Three Virtues of Food, ”The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin, vol. 2, p. 1060). " On the Three Virtues of Food!? Damn, must have been a slow news day on Gumdrop Island. Might I take a guess at what those virtues might be? 1)Is yummy. 2)Forestalls death. 3)Seriously, could somebody please send me some actual food, or at least a little cherry syrup for all this snow!? Let's take a look at the Gosho itself. It's a short one. "Food hasthree virtues. First, it sustains life. Second, it enlivens the complexion. Third, it nourishes strength. " Oh, is that what it does!? Truly the world would plunge into darkness without insights such as yours, Nichiren! "If one gives foodtoothers, one will improve one’s own lot, just as, for example, if one lights a fire for others, one will brighten one’s own way. " Aww, that's really touching. Merry Christmas, Nichiren. "But if one provides food for those who do evil, then by prolonging their lives, one will increase their vitality; by enlivening their complexions, one will add lighttotheir eyes; by nourishing their strength, one will make their legs faster and their hands more skillful. And because this is so, the person who provided food will find, on the contrary, that as a result his own complexion grows pale, his vitality wanes, and he is deprived of strength. " Oh. Right. So they include the part about how groovy it is to feed strangers, but conveniently omit his subsequent warning about how feeding the wrong people will cause the flesh to start dropping from my bones like some doomed character from a Stephen King novel? Why? Just because it sounds completely cracked out, and is yet another reason to throw one's copy of the Gosho into a wood chipper? That's no excuse! I thought the name of this segment was "Good to Know"! Well, at least now we do know why it is the SGI never feeds the hungry: because they don't know which of those hungry ghosts might also be eeeevil. Best not to risk it. What is one to do, walk around town with a tray of muffins, going ah-ah-AH? Are you evil!? No way! This religion is weird enough. "Fish look on water as their parent... " What? ".. look on trees as their home... " Is this a limerick? "For people, food is a prize.... It is written that the ruler of a large state looks on the people as his parent, and the people look on food as their Heaven. " Go away, Nichiren, you're ruining Christmas with your insanity. Now what was it Sensei was trying to tell us about stress? That the proper response to feeling challenged is to rise up, clench our fists and take action? Maybe if you're the repressive sort of person, and your typical response to stress is to shut down and become stuck, it could be said that the best course of action is to somehow get moving. But what if you're already the reactive sort of person, who instinctively responds to challenging situations by trying to either fight or control them? How could it possibly help you to become even more reactive? Wouldn't the proper lesson for those people have more to do with taking a step back, breathing, and letting some things go? You know, I'm starting to suspect that all Sensei cares about is turning people into loyal soldiers. Doesn't it concern him that some people might actually take his sh*tty advice to heart, and that roughly half of them will have their bad tendencies exacerbated by it? Based on my knowledge of classic video-gamery, I thought frogs were supposed to be experts on the subject of handling stress. Jump jump here, sidestep there, insert another quarter if you get flattened by a semi. (Why they die from falling in the water, however, remains a deep and profound mystery). So I came to this column prepared to give Louis Arm-short the benefit of the doubt. He isn't entirely wrong to describe stress as a pressure that comes from the environment, because to a large extent it does. But in typical fashion his advice is one-sided... and lacks context... and fails to stimulate serious discussion... and is annoying... because it sucks. So let's help this froggie cross the road, in pursuit of a little perspective. In trying to understand the nature of stress, it helps to consider that the human organism is subject to myriad forms of pressure in this life. Many of them are entirely necessary, rooted as they are in the biological imperatives to survive, reproduce, specialize, and generally advance the physical, emotional and intellectual evolution of our species. Humans are programmed to experience various types of dissatisfaction with the status quo, which motivates progress. Without these kinds of pressures nothing would happen. But then there's a more generalized type of pressure which humans exert on one another simply by existing in the same space. Even when others aren't actively trying to pressure us, we still have various ways of being affected by one another's presence. Imagine sitting in a library by yourself reading a book. You're perfectly content to spend some time alone with your favorite teenaged wizard. But then a stranger comes in and sits at the other end of the table to read a book of his own. Not bothering you, not interacting with you, but still, part of you is now aware of their presence, as you ought to be, and the amount of attention you are paying to your book has taken a slight dip. Now imagine five more people coming in, also totally chill, but undeniably there with the shuffling, and the breathing, and the texting. (Oh so much texting. ) On account of these folks, your level of concentration now dips somewhat more noticeably. Then imagine twenty more people piling in -- must be happy hour at the library or something -- and suddenly the feeling of being immersed in a crowd has become inescapable. You find that you don't want to be there anymore, and you pack up your things to head somewhere a little more secluded. None of those individuals were trying to ruin your quiet time, but collectively they all did. Maybe some people can sit in that crowded room and stay engrossed in their book, while for another person any company would be too much for their liking. The crowded room would be like living in a big city. Some people feel they can handle it, others don't, and maybe some people really do thrive on that kind of excitement. But it's also possible that the people who think they are doing okay in that kind of pressure cooker aren't reeeeally as relaxed as they think they are, and it's not until they get out into quieter environs that they realize just how tightly they've been wound, how shallow their breathing had become, and how distorted their concept of normal had become. This is basically the Buddhist and Hindu concept of Maya, which is somewhat like describing the effects of sharing a room -- i. e. the planet -- with billions of other people. It states that the auras of every person on the planet interlock to form a dense energy field - described alternately as a veil, a sheath, or a bubble - which has the effect of obscuring our inner vision and making us unable to perceive our oneness with the cosmos. This is indeed a stressful state of affairs, as it is this very separation anxiety which is at the root of all other fears. But it's also a necessary illusion, a built-in feature of the human experience, and the price we pay for being able to experience the wonderful world of individuality. Without our "fundamental darkness" life would have no color. Maya is a self-perpetuating system, a sort of feedback loop between individuals and the environment whereby the fear in the atmosphere creates the conditions for fear in the individual, who then puts out more fear-based energy to reinforce the field. And because this universe we live in is holographic (meaning the image of the whole is contained in every one of its parts) we could expect to see this same basic template repeated at all levels of the human experience, and we do, in cycles of behavior that are reinforced socially, interpersonally, intergenerationally, and within the individual as we come to identify with our own egos and act in accordance with our own prior actions. As we all know, misery loves company, and stressful situations have a way of multiplying. But so does life. Life itself could be described as a stressful situation that finds a way of multiplying. Indeed, feedback loops (both positive and negative - reinforcing and limiting) are to be found all over nature and biology, in the way that cells ceaselessly divide to foster growth and reproduction, and in the regulatory mechanisms that try to keep the whole thing within some kind of order. Once again, it's not a bad thing, but being a part of the pressure train, for better or worse, is simply the price of admission for being born into the world of form. Even consciousness itself has a very real momentum to it, as every moment of awareness transfers its momentum to the next one. This is exactly the nature of the breakthrough had by the Buddha under the Bodhi tree: he became so good at meditating that we was able to slow down the ordinarily fluid-looking movie of reality into individual frames -- with individual parts within those frames known as skandhas -- to observe how each frame rises, falls, and gives way to the next. Having seen this, he was able to go back out into the world with the good news that hey, this thing we call reality isn't as real as it appears! No matter how stuck we might feel within the infinity of Maya, there is always hope for tracing our steps back out of this mess. Buddhism, unlike Ikedaism, is about interrupting cycles, starting with the ones operating at the level of our own minds: if we can learn to maintain some level of detachment from our own thoughts and feelings, and become less invested in the narratives to which our egos cling for importance, perhaps such relaxation could have a beneficial effect which would also extend to the state of our bodies, our relationships, and in some way or another, to the world-at-large. It's the path of peace through wisdom. In fact, if I may share something with you, my own personal definition of Buddhism is quite simple: it consists of anything we learn about the nature of life, reality, or the mind which defuses our existing holding patterns of tension. Lessons that lessen, if you will. I like this definition because it is completely divorced from any culture, any history, any personages, and all religious traditions whatsoever. It just so happens that the religion we call Buddhism contains a concentration of such lessons, but really they can be found anywhere, in anything. This definition is rooted in the concept that there are essentially three paths to self-betterment -- love (and self-sacrifice), wisdom, and discipline/self-mastery -- and these paths are not mutually exclusive. Perhaps a person will be naturally inclined toward one path in general, ahead of the other two, but really, any good spiritual practice will contain elements of all three. It would also imply that the definition of Buddhahood would have something to do with the extinguishment of all unnecessary tension. action is needed. thought is necessary. feelings arise. But doing so. Basically, being done with the need for drama in life, and coming to rest in some sort of blissful endgame. There are a rare few on this planet in whom this awesome state of stillness has arisen, and they tend to have such a deeply calming effect on those around them that they inevitably attract a highly devoted inner circle, which then attracts an outer circle of hangers on, and eventually forms into a religion. It never works out though, because the state of being the original person was experiencing cannot be transmitted in words or encapsulated in practice. Eventually that person passes, and while their surrounding movement may have originally been a force for good, all that's left in its place is a set of rules and hierarchies which serves no purpose other than control. The best a well-meaning Buddha could do would be to drop hints from the other side: hints for future generations as to how walk a decent path, and how to recognize the beginning stages of awakening - strange as they may be - when they begin to dawn within you. All that said, let's return our focus to the SGI, because whatever it is they're doing, it doesn't seem to be helping people reduce stress levels or make any useful sense of the events of their lives. To be fair, as I suggested before with the three-paths-up-the-mountain analogy, there are different kinds of benefit to be had in any activity. People engaging in the social lifestyle of a proselyte may in fact have found an outlet for their yearnings toward love, community, and self-sacrifice. It could in fact be better than being alone. Now, SGI scores poor marks on this axis as well, given that the community is weak, the love is conditional, and the opportunities for actually engaging in philanthropic activity are bizarrely absent. So while it has some of the feel-good elements of religious community in general, it's sadly more of an opportunity for servitude than actual service. Does it promote discipline or self-mastery? Again, maybe to a certain extent it does. Perhaps the ritual lends a certain structure to life, and Ikeda's overbearing advice rings true from time to time, and maybe your stupid work shift will give you a reason not to show up drunk. But really, how much self-mastery is involved in sitting your ass on a chair and mumbling the same mamanomos for hours on end? That's more like self defeat. And remember how it's pitched to newcomers: Oh, you don't have to change anything else in your life, just add this practice and see what happens? That's the opposite of self-mastery. And then there's the big one: Does this religion even provide the one thing it's supposed to, given the path it claims to represent, which is wisdom? Hashtaaaaag...... #No! Not in the slightest! Of those three paths, the only one that even comes close to describing SGI practice is the first one -- love and self-sacrifice -- which puts it much closer to Evangelical Christianity than anything resembling Buddhism: something people get together and do to stir up some feels, but which is in no way dependent on the cultivation of genuine wisdom. If anything, they peddle in anti-wisdom! Half of the advice in these publications is too shallow to be useful, and the other half is an absolutely hideous celebration of all things desirous and egoic! When they're not puffing you up about how important you are, or pressuring you to feel happy all the time, they're solidly reinforcing any pre-existing tendencies you may have towards status-seeking, materialism, workaholism, and in general having to prove yourself. Then set the whole thing against a classical backdrop of religious fear and guilt -- because why not -- and what do you get? The cure for stress, no doubt. In fact, the entire aim of their social conditioning program, from the ever-present distraction of chanting, to the ridiculous amounts of busywork, to the constant stream of patently un-Buddhist advice, seems to be to actually aimed at keeping your mind trapped within the illusion. It's highly suspect, to say the least. Consider the ritual itself. Is there a difference between aggressive chanting and quieter forms of meditation? If the point of meditation is to help us live in the space between thoughts, does chanting do this? Is there a distinction to be made between mindfulness and being in a trance state? Does the repetitive intonation allow for interruption of thought -- is it actually useful in that regard -- or is it really preventing such interruption by somehow short-circuiting awareness of the present moment? Kind of an important question there, and potentially a very complicated and technical issue as well. But lucky for us, all we need to know in order to make a solid choice about whether a practice is worth pursuing is this: Do we wish to emulate the example of the people doing it, or not? Do they appear to have their stress under control, or are they just like you and me? Or slightly worse? Or potentially much worse? And that's saying nothing about the lifestyle of a core SGI member, because it goes without saying that the worst way to control stress is to sign up for one of the most strict and ridiculous after-school programs ever devised by man. That's just a given. It's why so few people care to get involved. But when it comes to chanting itself, either the proponents of it are on to something, or they're not. You know how some people say they find chanting more comfortable because they have such naturally busy minds, or... "it gives my big mouth something to do while I reap all the benefits"? Well maybe, just maybe... shutting the hell up is the ENTIRE POINT OF MEDITATION! It's quiet. It's difficult. It's boring at first. You can't take your baggage with you. You can't dwell on your drama. You aren't encouraged to think about stuff, or wish for things, or pine desperately for anything. You just sit. You are LITERALLY NOT ALLOWED to look at your phone at any point. Meditation isn't meant to be a contiguous part of your life, during which you answer text messages -- it's meant to be a nothing! And it's also a great way to deal with stress! And finally, let's consider the mantra itself. I pledge allegiance... to the law of cause and effect. Over and over and over and over again, into the millions. But what is the law of cause and effect? I propose that the "law of cause and effect" is the very mechanism of the feedback loop itself: the closed chain of subsequent states which perpetuates consciousness and the workings of nature. The "law of cause and effect" is karma itself, is Maya itself, is life itself, and it is the bardo state between lives. It's just as they say: there's a rhythm to the universe, and the law of cause and effect is it. Put another way, "pledging devotion to the law of cause and effect" is the same as saying, "I worship life, I worship life, I worship life... " "I worship Maya, I worship Maya, I worship Maya. " And what's wrong with that? What's wrong with loving life, and desiring things, and wanting to experience life to the fullest? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! Nothing is wrong with it. But My-oh-Maya is it NOT Buddhism! Buddhism is supposed to be a strategy for putting the brakes on Maya, for slowing the momentum of the world of form when it has gotten out of control, for breaking the habits and unwinding the coils of desire that have become wrapped around our very hearts. When it's time to live, and be ambitious, and pursue goals, such is the appropriate thing to do. But when it's time to rest, and reflect, and when our very sanity depends on being less of 's where Buddhism saves the day. Desire itself is neither right or wrong. You wanna worship life? Worship life. You wanna worship youth? Worship youth. Wanna make money, be powerful, be influential, and convince yourself that your life is worthwhile? Do that. You wanna join a cult? Go ahead. Might be fun. Hopefully it's a sexy cult instead of the dweebiest sh*t imaginable. But don't lie about it. And don't be lied to about it. Therein lies the the problem. This is why people sometimes ask whether this entire practice is by its very nature "Satanic", because the fundamental concept is exactly the same: Satan is supposed to be a figure who grants wishes, and entices you with the things of this world. Even those Satanists who don't believe in deity still describe him as the personification of our own desirous nature. The things themselves aren't bad, but they come at a monumental cost which is not explained upfront: the cost of forgetting your own true nature and getting wrapped up in worshipping the world of form. The Christians would say this dooms you to hell, the Buddhists would say this drives you further into the cycles of Maya, but either way, the name of the game is deception. Illusion. Misdirection. So here we have a practice masquerading as Buddhism, when it's not. It's all about the granting of wishes. It involves a practice which pretends to be meditation, when it might actually have the opposite effect. It encourages you to chant a mantra you don't understand, and pledge allegiance to the rhythm of life, without considering what in fact this might mean. Who could be behind such a thing? Could it beeeeeeeeee..... Santa? Yeah, let's say Santa Claus. But hey, it's your life, spend it how you want to. Lots of people love Christmas. Presents are fun. And if you want to be involved in this Pagan monstrosity trying to stake its claim on the New Age market, by all means. Just try to be aware of which master you serve, both figuratively, and in the personage of Droopy Dingus. But if your chosen path involves roping people in via deception or coersion -- especially young people -- and if your business model consists of taking people who are desperate for a cure for stress, and feeding them a mantra about how greed is good, and more is better, and karma is our friend... You're an asshole. Anything else, my friend A-for-asshole? "4) Eat wisely. " Shut up. I'm done with you. For me "eating wisely" means cutting myself off from the steady diet of falsehoods you serve up to the well-intentioned hippies of the world which works against us ever discovering who we really are. Thank you for reading, everybody. It's been an amazing year of speaking out against the amphibiocracy, and it would have all been for nothing if not for your very ears upon which my words could fall. I now feel like I can put this column to rest, especially given the cyclical nature of Maya, I have a funny feeling these dipsh*ts are going to start repeating their questions soon anyway. I'll continue to write, though, as long as the subject matter of Buddhism, both real and imaginary, continues to be fascinating without end. Here's wishing you peace, love and happiness for this upcoming year, and all of your years, in hopes that the door never closes on your journey of self-discovery. Happy New Year. Hai.

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